Fearing Myself

December 3, 2024

This last week has been quite difficult, possibly the most difficult week I have ever lived through. I’m bearing my soul today so keep that in mind as you read. I have purposely stayed away from this subject because it is very scary to me, my family and anyone who’s experienced it. I also don’t want anyone to be affected negatively by anything I say on the topic, but when discussing depression, this is part of the conversation. I’m speaking of the act of suicide.

He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:57)

it’s not necessarily a bad thing to think about suicide. It’s fairly common amongst sufferers and can be in the form of an intrusive thought only. Intrusive thoughts inhabit the minds of most people from time to time, although they’re most often not about suicide. Usually, they’re the opposite of what would normally run through someone’s mind, thoughts that they would never act on. Most people just let the thoughts float right past them, not worrying about them at all.

For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

If the thoughts keep returning, then that’s the time to seek out help, first from someone close to you and then with some form of counselling. The more suicidal thoughts you’re having, especially if you’re making a plan, the more urgent your need for outside help. If you are alone, there are many crisis lines available. Some local ones here are 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline (call or text 9-8-8), 24/7 Mental Health Crisis Line at 1-866-996-0991 or 613-722-6914 (www.crisisline.ca), and1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Now for that soul-bearing I was speaking of earlier. For much of the past year I have been struggling with suicidal ideation (thoughts, ideas, or ruminations about the possibility of ending one’s life). My thoughts are on the more passive side – they occur without any desire to make a plan of action to harm myself. These passive thoughts are still terrifying and very disturbing,

However, there is a form of active suicidal ideation that motivates a person to create an action plan of self-harm. If you make a plan, you may notice yourself feeling at ease or withdrawn. This is a warning sign. Other troubling signs can include things like giving away valued belongings and/or writing a note. This usually requires emergency treatment.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1:5)

I have informed all of my family and caregivers of my struggle, and we are all doing our part to bring my thoughts back into good emotional and mental health. And I believe that I have, living inside if me, the greatest healer of the universe, but I do need to trust in Him.

And bouts of depression, fear and worry often prevent me from seeing God clearly. Although I still struggle a lot, He hasn’t changed, I have. He’s still waiting for me to give Him my burdens and truly trust Him with the process. I have to accept my situation and I’m still not there yet. I’m still a work in progress but I do have the needed tools.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. (1 Chronicles 16:34)