How did I get here?

May 12, 2024

I thought I would be better by now – back to normal if you want to say it that way. I never thought this would happen to me again, my life taken over by anxiety and depression. It’s happened to me a few times before and I’m always surprised when it happens again.

I have written about these hard times before but always after I’ve felt better, when I was sure I was on the road to recovery. I am a believer in God and my writing has always been about praising God for His healing and bringing me through the dark times. I am currently experiencing possibly the darkest period in my life to date.

It started in late December of 2023 when, on Christmas Day, I was barely able to celebrate with my grandkids because of my extreme anxiety. They spent the night on Christmas Eve, which has become our tradition and I wanted them to have another good memory, so I let them stay. What happened though was a less than joyful experience as my grandchildren witnessed their grandma in a state that no one would ever want to be in. My grandkids and their parents stayed only a couple of hours and then went home. Later that day I and my husband went to the hospital and got medication to help me sleep.

I tried to make an appointment with my family doctor but couldn’t get in until January 3rd. My doctor then started me on an anti-depressant.

I returned to the hospital just before midnight on January 5th and, after spending the night there, I was sent to another hospital to stay in their psychiatric ward. I was afraid that I might hurt myself because of the emotional pain. This is where I spent the next three months.

I returned home in early April because the medical staff at the hospital considered me safe enough to be at home, in the care of my family. I’m still experiencing some very dark days and, as I was praying once again for healing, felt that God was speaking to me, encouraging me to open up about my experience. I heard through prayer that I don’t have a pass on sharing and praising God because of the fact that I’m not fully healed. This is possibly the best time to share.

So, if you have similar struggles or know someone who does, I’ll be sharing my thoughts and experiences regularly. Sometimes it will be just a paragraph, but I will try to write an honest assessment of my days.