Still learning to dance...

June 7

I keep expecting to wake up some morning and feel much better, or maybe it’s not an expectation but a hope. When I awaken the same as the day before, it makes me feel crushed before I even get started. But that is not God’s plan for me. He has defeated the enemy, so I don’t need to battle the devil. I do, however, need to make a choice because I have free will, and that choice must be made every day.

I think about upcoming appointments and wonder if I’ll ‘make it’ to that point. Yes, I actually have those thoughts and what does ‘make it’ mean? I’m really not sure but it’s at least partially due to my lack of self-confidence and trust in myself. I know I have self-worth and that I am loved dearly by many people but that doesn’t eliminate my negative feelings. Though it does encourage me to keep going.

If you’ll hold on to me for dear life, says God, I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care, if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Psalm 91: 14-16

People often ask me how I’m doing. I want so much to answer with the word good or well. I know that people want to hear that answer as well, but I’m just not there yet. I’m able to do increasingly more as time goes on, including driving, shopping and attending appointments by myself. These things don’t seem to affect my feelings positively, but I’m still going to do them anyway. This is my life right now and I want to live it. I’m learning that I just need to do what I want to do, regardless of my feelings. Waiting for them to improve before I venture out into the world is the opposite of living life and I would miss so much, especially with my family.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31: 6

My family wants me back to normal more than anyone and they could really use a break from this tension. Of course, so could I – this is exhausting, day after day. It is through them and because of their love that I get through these tough days. It is also, even more, because of the God we believe in, moving in and through us. I’m not saying I always live like God has everything under control. I have a problem putting my complete trust in God and leaving my burdens with Him, but I know, in my head, that He is always with me, holding my hand when I’m upset and carrying me when I need it. That’s the way it will always be because I am a child of God and I belong to Him. I do, however, need to bring that knowledge from my head to my heart.

The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you, in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3: 17