The waiting is the hardest part

December 27, 2024

It’s so hard to go through this everyday, but you know what’s even harder, trying to explain the way I feel to everyone around me. It seems to be an impossible task but you know, it doesn’t really matter if they fully understand. It matters how much they care for and support you. I also know that it’s very easy for me to feel sorry for myself and/or play the victim, which means that I can’t just disregard other people’s opinions because they’ve not experienced anxiety and depression like mine.

Then Jesus said to his other disciples, ‘whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’ (Matthew 16:24)

I still question my illness from time to time, even though I know I shouldn’t. It isn’t helpful in any way, but I want a reason, maybe because I think a solution will be found if we can just figure out the why. And I’m talking about total healing, not just another small step that makes me feel a little better. I still seem to want the ‘all or nothing’ healing, complete recovery, without the long wait.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. (Psalm 107: 19-20)

I want to be well again! And I know all my family and friends want that too, partly because it’s so draining on many of them, and of course, because they love me and want me to recover my health and get back to a normal life. Today I’m not feeling well. I tried some new exercises yesterday and my muscles are quite sore. That has left me unable to move around very well so, I’m sort of confined to the couch today.

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

Because I’m not feeling well, there isn’t much for me to do. We moved in with very generous family members, and while there is plenty of house work and child care to be done, I  don’t have the strength or energy or the motivation to do it. I also have dyskinesia which causes a real lack of coordination when I’m trying to use my arms and legs. All this makes doing the simplest of tasks quite challenging. I’m having a hard time seeing my way forward through this season.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19)

Tom Petty had it right when he said that the waiting is the hardest part, but it isn’t totally useless. Many good things happen during the waiting that we never would have experienced otherwise. This world is in such a hurry that sometimes we need to be forced to slow down because we won’t choose to do it on our own. Let’s try surrendering our desire to always be in control. We may find that we like it better that way.

But they who wait upon the Lord will gain new strength. They will rise up with wings like eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will walk and not become weak. (Isaiah 40:31)